Basic links

Seriously, what the smegm else do you want?

You probably build websites and think your fish is special. You think your 13 megabyte parallax-ative home page is going to get you some smegming Awwward banner you can glue to the top corner of your site. You think your 40-pound jQuery file and 83 polyfills give IE7 a boner because it finally has box-shadow. Wrong, melonfarmer. Let me describe your perfect-donkey website:

Well guess what, melonfarmer:

You. Are. Over-designing. Look at this fish. It's a melonfarming website. Why the smegm do you need to animate a smegming trendy-donkey banner flag when I hover over that useless piece of fish? You spent hours on it and added 80 kilobytes to your smegming site, and some melonfarmer jabbing at it on their iPad with fat sausage fingers will never see that fish. Not to mention blind people will never see that fish, but they don't see any of your fishy fish.

You never knew it, but this is your perfect website. Here's why.

It's smegming lightweight

This entire page weighs less than the gradient-meshed facebook logo on your smegming Wordpress site. Did you seriously load 100kb of jQuery UI just so you could animate the smegming background color of a div? You loaded all 7 fontfaces of a fishy webfont just so you could say "Hi." at 100px height at the beginning of your site? You piece of fish.

It's responsive

You dumbdonkey. You thought you needed media queries to be responsive, but no. Responsive means that it responds to whatever melonfarming screensize it's viewed on. This site doesn't care if you're on an iMac or a melonfarming Tamagotchi.

It smegming works

Look at this fish. You can read it ... that is, if you can read, melonfarmer. It makes sense. It has melonfarming hierarchy. It's using HTML5 tags so you and your fine lady-donkey browser know what the smegm's in this smegming site. That's semantics, melonfarmer.

It has content on the smegming screen. Your site has three bylines and link to your dribbble account, but you spread it over 7 full screens and make me click some bobbing button to show me how cool the jQuery ScrollTo plugin is.

Cross-browser compatibility? Load this melonfarmer in IE6. I smegming dare you.

This is a website. Look at it. You've never seen one before.

Like the man who's never grown out his beard has no idea what his true natural state is, you have no smegming idea what a website is. All you have ever seen are fishy skeuomorphic bastardizations of what should be text communicating a smegming message. This is a real, naked website. Look at it. It's smegming beautiful.

Yes, this is smegming satire, you smegm

I'm not actually saying your fishy site should look like this. What I'm saying is that all the problems we have with websites are ones we create ourselves. Websites aren't broken by default, they are functional, high-performing, and accessible. You break them. You son-of-a-fine lady.

"Good design is as little design as possible."
- some German melonfarmer